Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea,
it plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight
four it two say. weather eye
am wrong oar write, it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee for two long,
and eye can put the error rite,
its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no,
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.
The Woman, The Frog, And Three Wishes
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them
hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found
a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap,
I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog
said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to
yourwishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more
or better." The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish
she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied,
"That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will
only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in
the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest
man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you. "The woman
said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, andwhat is his is
mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then
inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."
Why Torture Myself???
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and
humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1940's
the
bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with
a mature figure,
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn asengineered. They were built
to hold back
and uplift and they did a damngood job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed
for the
prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has
a choice --she
can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit
with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's
Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department
store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range
of
fluoro rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered
the chamber of
horrors known as "The Fitting Room". The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason
for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as
I twanged
the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror -- my bosom had disappeared.
Eventually I
found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took awhile to find the
other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem
is
that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant
to wear her bosom
spread across the chest like aspeed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched
toward the mirror to takea full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all
right, but unfortunately it
only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed
out rebelliously from top,
bottom and sides. I looked like a lump ofplay dough wearing undersize cling
wrap. As I tried
to work out where allthose extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl
popped her
headthrough the curtains "Oh, they are sooo YOU!" she said, admiring the
suits.I replied
that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I
tried on a cream crinkled
one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece
which
gave the appearance of an oversize>napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled
into a pair
of leopard skinbathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's
Jane
on abad dayI tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish
inmourning.
I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would
have to wax my
eyebrows to wear them. Finally I found a suit that fit. A two-piece
affair, with short-like
bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so
I bought it.
When I got home I read the label which said "Material may become transparent
in water,
" but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to do the
breaststroke in the sand.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to
what lies within us." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~
FOR ALL OF YOU CAMPERS
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some
hours
later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the
sky
and tell me what you see." "Watson replied, "I see millions and millions
of
stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes. Watson pondered
for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically,
I can
see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson,
you idiot, somebody has stolen our tent!"
THINGS I LEARNED FROM CHILDREN . . .
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of
a 20 by 20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak - it explodes.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract
of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach
us manythings we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put
in a swimmingpool you still can't walk onwater. Pool filters do not like
Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.The fire
department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle
on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make
cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
THE THREE WISE WOMEN
You DO know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN
instead of wise men, don't you? They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
What do I do all day???
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in
the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front
room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was
strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled
the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled
on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand
was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over
toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she
may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging
in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas,reading a novel. She
looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at
her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She againsmiled and
answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what
in the world I did today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered,
"Well, today I didn't do it."
Kids' Wisdom
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left
her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome
to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown." The teacher spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't
you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother
says I'm not."
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?"
THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb,
though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting
it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning
her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going
to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and
son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered
her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh . . . I know what
*you've* been doing."
THE LORD'S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings
at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready
to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each
word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she
prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~*Please sign my guestbook before Leaving*~
*~To sign guestbook click on the Little mice below*~
Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea,
it plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight
four it two say. weather eye
am wrong oar write, it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee for two long,
and eye can put the error rite,
its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no,
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.
The Woman, The Frog, And Three Wishes
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to yourwishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better." The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you. "The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, andwhat is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Why Torture Myself???
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and
humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1940's the
bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure,
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn asengineered. They were built to hold back
and uplift and they did a damngood job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the
prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice --she
can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit
with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's
Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department
store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of
fluoro rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of
horrors known as "The Fitting Room". The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason
for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged
the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror -- my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I
found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took awhile to find the
other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is
that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom
spread across the chest like aspeed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched
toward the mirror to takea full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it
only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom and sides. I looked like a lump ofplay dough wearing undersize cling wrap. As I tried
to work out where allthose extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her
headthrough the curtains "Oh, they are sooo YOU!" she said, admiring the suits.I replied
that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled
one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which
gave the appearance of an oversize>napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair
of leopard skinbathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane
on abad dayI tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish inmourning.
I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my
eyebrows to wear them. Finally I found a suit that fit. A two-piece affair, with short-like
bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
When I got home I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water,
" but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to
what lies within us." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~
FOR ALL OF YOU CAMPERS
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky
and tell me what you see." "Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of
stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can
see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson,
you idiot, somebody has stolen our tent!"
THINGS I LEARNED FROM CHILDREN . . .
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of
a 20 by 20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak - it explodes.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract
of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach
us manythings we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put
in a swimmingpool you still can't walk onwater. Pool filters do not like
Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.The fire
department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle
on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make
cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
THE THREE WISE WOMEN
You DO know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of wise men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
What do I do all day???
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas,reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She againsmiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Kids' Wisdom
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The teacher spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh . . . I know what *you've* been doing."
THE LORD'S PRAYER
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~*Please sign my guestbook before Leaving*~
*~To sign guestbook click on the Little mice below*~