Warning:::If you find anything on this page that is not humerous or completely nonsensical you will be contaminated...This is AWFUL...

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know

I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my

friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to

do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.

We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.- Rita Rudner-

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.-Wendy Liebman-

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-Erma Bombeck-

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

9. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-

10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.

Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want

anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine

marriage and a career.-Gloria Steinhem-

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinhem-

16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets

at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog

which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and

a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill-

18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing

neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a

little noose around your neck. -Linda Ellerbee-

19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep

his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes Contest. They were looking for peope tosubmit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the

building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next

Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.   (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will

encounter.

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It

should be used only for company business.

(Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more

important interfere with it.

(Advertising/Marketing manager, UPS)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No

onewill believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working

on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you

know when it's time to tell them.

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal

that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was

damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write

protected.

> (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work

on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her

burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florist)

9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not

going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This

is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the

subject mentioned above."

(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him

concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be

soon enough.   He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until

tomorrowto ask for it!"

(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo

reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of

the memo

in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by

one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the

executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and

told

that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by

lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"

(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of

the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical"

circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he

looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition

to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of

it.

> Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that

no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could

be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance

with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words

together from the Sunday paper.

(Taco Bell Corporation)

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~~EMAIL~~

If you have found anything that is not funny or nonsensical you have been exposed and need to be decontaminated

Oop.........What am I doing down here??????